Apartment Dispute

[EXCERPT FROM STENOGRAPHER’S RECORDS. CASE NUMBER 4428, IPSWICH CROWN COURT]
Kensington (prosecution) – If it pleases your honour I intend to read aloud the handwritten letters exchanged between my client and the accused.

Honourable Justice Reeves- Mr Kensington, my patience is thin but I shall allow you to proceed. If this veers into irrelevance once more I will stop you.

Kensington- Then I shall proceed.

Wednesday 12th April 2006
To the occupier, flat 7B
Dear sir/madam
Last night I was kept awake by loud noises which I believe may have originated in your apartment. As a result I awoke feeling less refreshed and less capable of performing at work. Please be more considerate.
Yours sincerely,
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Wednesday 12th April 2006
Gary, chill out sunshine.

Thursday 13th April 2006
Dear sir/madam
Following your sharp and disrespectful reply yesterday I can only presume that the increased volume and frequency of aforementioned noises was premeditated and designed to irritate me. Please don’t make this unpleasant.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Friday 14th April 2006
It sure was Gary, it sure was.

Monday 17th April 2006
Dear sir/madam
After two nights of relative calm I had hoped that you had graciously agreed to be less intrusive and aggravating. However I can see that, following last night’s performance, you have not lost your penchant for anti-social behaviour. Please, cease and desist.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Monday 24th April 2006
This late reply should serve as a reminder that I do not give a gerbil’s rectum for your petty whinging. Shuttup Gary.
Sincerely Sir/Madam

Tuesday 25th April 2006
Dear Sir/Madam
I have a good mind to forward your previous letter to the authorities due to its strong and offensive tone. I have notified the landlord of your impudence.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Wednesday 26th April 2006
Gary, stop signing your name every time you plum. It’s not like I won’t recognise your yawningly dull scrawls. It did however help me to find you on Facebook. You really are a fat tit. That Superman costume for Halloween is particularly cringe worthy. I can’t recall ever seeing a super hero that gave me less reassurance. If I was stuck at the top of a burning sky scraper I would be so concerned for your heart if you had to fly up and rescue me that I wouldn’t fuss you to help me. Instead of writing letters you should get some exercise, Porky.
Yours, lovingly,
Sir/Madam

Honourable Justice Reeves- Mr Kensington, is this going anywhere?

Kensington- Going anywhere, your Honour?

Honourable Justice Reeves- Yes, is there a point buried in here somewhere? Do you have a case at all because, frankly, I am incredibly bored.

Kensington- Your honour, surely you can see how my client is being harassed and intimidated?

Honourable Justice Reeves- Your client?

Kensington- Mr Clark

Honourable Justice Reeves- The man who initiated the dialogue and pursued it?

Kensington- Yes

Honourable Justice Reeves- Carry on, I’m intrigued to see how you believe your client was harassed.

Thursday 27th April 2006
Dear Sir/Madam
As a result of your offensive and disrespectful letter I have taken the step of approaching a solicitor. I will consult him before taking the matter further. In the meantime, stop invading my privacy.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Tuesday 2nd May 2006
Dear Sir/Madam
The loud music emanating from your apartment this evening is a cause for concern, as you no doubt intended. I have added this to the list of misdemeanours I will hand to my solicitor.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Thursday 4th May 2006
Dear Sir/Madam
This evening I was disturbed by a noise I can only describe as a low, snarling growl on the other side of the wall. I went to inform the landlord but did not find him, so instead left a note to him. Your every action has been reported. Please cease this harassment.
Gareth Arbald-Clark, 7G

Friday 5th May 2006
Gary son, who’s harassing who here? I return from my holiday in Madagascar to find three equally banal letters. Leave me alone. My cougar, Paul, finds the music soothing as he slumbers. I have my friend Karl (the landlord) visit when I’m away, play Phil Collins albums and feed Paul. Before you get up on your high horse, Karl is a qualified lion tamer and I have a licence for Paul. Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
P.S Gary, I saw you today by the pigeon holes. I stole several items of your mail. I won’t tell you what they were. My hamster is enjoying them. I don’t even like hamsters. I bought him on a whim, simply to shred your letters. Paul will probably eat him eventually; he eats everything, it’s one of the chief problems with keeping a North American mountain lion in an urban apartment. If you keep bothering me I’ll just buy more hamsters and release them into your apartment.

Kensington- There you are your honour!

Lord Justice- What Mr Kensington?

Kensington- The accused has threatened my client.

Lord Justice- He claimed he would release hamsters into Mr Arbald-Clark’s apartment?

Kensington- Yes your honour, a most distressing threat that caused great consternation to my client.

Lord Justice- Your client is distressed by hamsters? Your client is distressed by three inch tame furry rodents? My five year old daughter has a hamster called Mr Cuddles. I’m not prosecuting this case but I’m just going to cut through this. Mr Clark, do you have an incapacitating fear of children’s pets?

Arbald Clark- I am distressed by them your honour, yes.

Lord Justice- The defendant has not hired legal counsel and has not even attended court. Don’t you think that this speaks volumes? Mr Kensington, stop taking this man’s money. You have no case. Mr Arbald-Clark, man up.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s