Stubborn Pensioner Irks Villagers

Stubborn pensioner, 86, condemns fellow villagers to daily ‘painfully slow’ dancing badger troupe parade because he won’t give them their freedom from their ancient oath

  • Roger Morecambe, 86, refusing to let badgers buy their emancipation
  • It means his street in Norfolk is crippled by their laboured daily re-enactment of Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya
  • Neighbours are unhappy at having to endure ‘extremely slow’ adaptation and subsequent celebratory parade, daily from 9am to 2.45pm
  • Mr Morecambe said badgers were to honour their thousand year allegiant bond to his ancestors
  • Police have been called in over dispute but no action has been taken 

A stubborn OAP has been blamed by his neighbours for condemning them to ‘painfully slow’ amateur badger dramatics because he won’t release them from their serfdom in his garden.

Despite badgers offering to pay £758 each for their freedom, Mr Morecambe, 86, claims he has been forced to resort to the extreme measures because they have ‘invaded his ancestral land’ and that their blood debt was far from paid.

His other gripes include their poor productivity on his strawberry farm and inability to run a successful Starbucks franchise from his front lawn.

But bemused neighbours in the sleepy village of Snepperham, Norfolk, say they don’t understand why he doesn’t just let them be free and have complained of ‘extreme’ traffic congestion during parade times.

Pensioner Kerry Bullidge, 79, lives in the same street and is one of the few people who have managed to advise the badgers on their barista skills.

He said: ‘They really do make a hash of it, lacking opposable thumbs and being less than three feet tall doesn’t help.

‘I don’t understand why Morecambe doesn’t just let them go. As far as I understand it they are being punished for their great, great grandbadger’s misdemeanours.

‘’We live in a progressive, modern society based on the ideal of justice and universal suffrage. Regardless of the colour of your skin or the transgressions of your forebadgers, one has the right to be born with a clean slate and the chance to carve one’s own path through life’

One mother, who lives in the road and did not wish to be named, said: ‘The badgers are extremely slow. I don’t even mean entirely in their pace, many of them are borderline retarded. I attribute this to the inbreeding that has become endemic in the captive population drawn from so few bloodlines.

‘I am currently trying to complete a degree in the completely legitimate and not made up field of Badgerology and so this does really help.

‘I’ve spoken to my neighbours though and they’ve said they are really not happy because Roger is now forcing the badgers to organise Europe’s largest thrash metal festival in the garden.

‘I think Roger might have lost sight of the purpose of the badgers’ work on his garden.

‘Something needs to be done because of the diverse and unusual projects he has set the enslaved population. We are starting to wonder whether he has a long term goal or if he is just wildly creating things for them to do. Between the daily Chekhov matinees, struggling Starbucks, lengthy parades of mentally disabled omnivorous mustlids and the awkwardly titled Thrashfest: The Thrashening, it is very hard for villagers to concentrate on anything else. My children are now grown up and they need it to do their homework but the high pitched shrieking of badgers soundchecking Raining Blood is quite off-putting.’

The badgers have been bonded to Mr Morecambe’s family for “time immemorial” and many people cannot recall the precise reason why they toil on his garden and perform the greatest Russian play in the middle of the main road through the village.

When word reached the captive society of a world of free badgers beyond the garden hedge, discontent began to spread. One brave badger, Urstripe Silverson, approached Mr Morecambe offering him £758 and a guarantee of no reprisals in exchange for the freedom of his kin.

Morecambe refused and forced the muscular badger alpha to perform a thrice daily one beast show of The Vagina Monologues whilst dressed in an adorable human child’s romper suit with a little ribbon in his head fur.

Morecambe was reportedly happy that the insurrection had been put down but in September last year, he was horrified to discover a pair of bespectacled badger maids digging a trench beneath his fence.

This caused him to take his drastic action and he has not allowed badgers to access fresh water or electricity since, causing considerable issues for the Starbucks and Thrashfest badgers. Starbucks Snepperham is unsurprisingly the lowest rated restaurant in Norfolk on Trip Advisor.

One reviewer said: ‘(When I arrived) I went and stood in front of them at the counter and they didn’t seem to see me. When I asked for a double vanilla latte, two juvenile badgers sort of grunted at each other, one defecated and the other filled a plastic cup with mud and straw. They then placed it behind the counter and continued to grunt and hum the refrain from Pantera’s Cowboys from Hell as a third badger danced in the seating area and rehearsed lines in a gruff provincial Russian dialect. When I received my mud and straw coffee I was further disappointed to find it was cold. There are better cafes in the area. The shrews at High Potteridge Café Nero make a mean espresso and aren’t quite so into extreme metal.”

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Man Tormented by Action Movie Poops Everywhere

Meow
Figgis, witness for the prosecution/lawyer for the defence

 

Man who was haunted by that bit in Top Gun where Goose dies ‘opened fire of bodily waste products on his cat, Figgis, during a rampant salad session’

  • Malcolm Soup, 62, suffered from regular bouts of diarrhoea after film
  • Former shoplifter was tormented by the 1986 movie starring Tom Cruise
  • Last October he threatened the Mayor of Stevenage, 40, with jar of rhubarb jam at nightclub
  • Court heard he wanted a large cheesecake from Dominos but they had run out
  • Wife Letitia returned home after he ate a rocket and spinach salad

 

A father of nine haunted by a movie scene openly farted on his cat before trying to take off his socks in a strange salad session, a court heard today.

Former shoplifter Malcolm Soup, 62, was still deeply tormented by a 1986 movie when he threatened the mayor of a nearby town with a homemade vegetable preserve last October.

He followed his cat into a bedroom at their family home in Hitchin, while brandishing the extended directors cut of the movie and shouted: ‘Sorry it’s come to this, I have the shits and I’m going to pebble-dash you.’

Figgis, who is a cat, escaped unharmed and managed to flee the home to get help but as he did so, Soup – who suffers from diarrhoea – ate a mixed leaf salad.

Minutes later, his wife of 30 years, Letitia, 60, arrived home and managed to stop the gas fumes spreading before calling police who ordered the evacuation of neighbouring properties.

It later emerged that Soup had threatened his cat with his irritable bowels in a desperate attempt to get him to leave the house so that he could eat a cheesecake in the property alone.

He had been tormented for more than 20 years after watching the 80’s blockbuster in which Anthony Edwards’ character hits his head on the cockpit canopy. The court heard he struggled to cope with the tragedy and his excess faeces and claimed that life without Goose ‘was not worth living anymore.’

The Crown Court heard how Soup had been drinking melted ice cream before he grabbed a feather duster– made at home using wood and steel – and used it in an attempt to order takeaway cheesecake from Dominos.

Prosecutor Craig Alopecia told the court: ‘Figgis walked from the bathroom into one of the bedrooms but was followed by the defendant.

‘The defendant said ‘sorry it’s come to this, I have the shits and I’m going to pebble-dash you.’ Figgis, an Iraq veteran and graduate of Lincoln University, could see a lettuce leaf and grabbed it with both hands but let go of it when he could smell raw sewage and heard a bang.’

Figgis then left the house to join the circus and Soup’s wife returned to home to be met with the smell of gas. Mr Alopecia added: ‘She got into the house through the back and could see the defendant had removed one sock.

‘She was able to pull on an extractor fan to stop the gas from escaping. The police then arrived and arrested the defendant. Five empty salad bowls were found and it was also found that a sock had been eaten.

‘The flammability level of faecal odour upstairs meant it would explode if there was any ignition present.

‘Eight nearby properties were evacuated and people were out of their houses for 17 weeks.’

 

The following day, police found one home-made jam in a freezer and a second pot hidden inside a washing machine. Both had been previously eaten.

Soup admitted threatening to destroy or damage property, having very bad gas, possessing an unseemly amount of fruit and vegetable preserve with intent to cause fear of violence and other peculiar offences.

His lawyer, Figgis the Cat, said in mitigation: ‘Meow.’

 

But the judge, being unable to understand a cat, jailed Soup for sixty two years after ruling that he was wasting a considerable amount of time and really should stop trying to blame the Tony Scott blockbuster for his strange fetish for pooping on animals.

Sentencing Soup, he said: ‘You damaged the cat’s mentality in such a way that he decided to represent you in court.

‘The two compotes that you made, one of which we know you used in circumstances that put another human being at quite serious risk of injury if not death. Why you made the jams is not entirely apparent as they can cheaply and easily be obtained at a local supermarket – but they created a real and present risk to those around you.

‘You are irritating, ugly and have a strange desire to poo everywhere, I am also keeping your cat away from you’

  • If you read to the end of this article you are probably in need of psychological help, so please call the Samaritans or visit their website.

July Update – Book Release and more

Happy July!

Front preview

Due for release this month; my first book. Swannui and Cygnus (a play on ennui and sickness) is a collection of selected poems and will be available from selected Suffolk book shops, myself personally, street corners and off the back of a van in a deserted car park late at night on a long forgotten industrial estate. Covering such themes as misanthropy, world-weariness, religion, war, sex and with no mention at all of foxes or the colour of their fur; Swannui and Cygnus promises to be an entertaining and lighthearted romp through the corridors of a mildly chaotic mind.

Beautiful cover art by Violet Adams. Redesigned Iridescentdanfoxx by Sam Bedingfield.

Also check out my catchy new web address http://www.iridescentfox.co.uk
It just redirects here, but it’s like a whole 12 characters shorter! How is that for efficiency, think of all the time you could save!