X Factor Contestant pretty sure she has dead Gran’s backing

Speaking to The Daily Fail, X Factor contestant Clara Swan, was almost adamant about having the support of the spirit world.

With production values like this who cares if you can hold a note?
With production values like this who cares if you can hold a note?

   Swan, 18, a fast food worker from Doncaster, claimed that she was “like 90% certain” that her recently deceased paternal grandmother was watching this year’s television talent contest from the spirit plane. Though not entirely sure of which particular faith’s afterlife her Gran was inhabiting, Swan was pretty sure that the former factory worker had access to a television set and terrestrial aerial.

   Welling up with tears, Swan told our reporter that Gran, who died tragically of suffocation 2 weeks before the talent shows’ national auditions, was very much her guardian angel or mentor or spirit guide or “summat”.

Just another failed popstar
Just another failed popstar

   Fondly reminiscing over the ballet lessons that Gran had funded for her throughout her childhood, Swan broke down as she told us that her Gran had always wanted to see the girl who she had held as a newborn baby with tears of joy filling her eyes, twerking up and down in lingerie and warbling a Bruno Mars song in front of a huge television audience whilst a middle aged man in high-waisted leather trousers nurses a semi.

   “It was her dream…probably” Swan added before reminding us all that, as television talent show voters, any vote cast in support of another contestant was akin to unbuckling our jeans, slowly crouching down, pulling our pants down to our knees, pulling our buttcheeks apart with both hands and gently curling out a huge steamdog of fudgey excrement onto Dorothy Ethel Swan’s freshly filled grave.

Killing culture

Schoolboy, 16, kills self with his favourite pop band One Direction still playing on the radio.

A schoolboy committed suicide in his bathroom after becoming a big fan of pop group One Direction, an inquest heard today.
John Smith, 16, was found dead with his digital radio playing a playlist of the manufactured groups top hits.
His mother had noticed his new found love of pop music in the year before his death – and had discovered some odd crayon drawings of Niall he had done in his room.

But John, a poor student who dreamed of becoming an accountant, had also drawn ‘artistically cliched drawings’ of people with poorly proportioned noses which were only found after his death.

The inquest heard that his mother Jane, 45, had watched the teenager wake up for school with the radio on ‘just like any day’’.
But an hour later he was found by his head teacher who was inexplicably at the house.
Paramedics arrived four hours later to find the music still playing but he was pronounced dead at the scene.

John had recently become a fan of the handsome singers known for their nonsensical lyrics and tenuous imagery – with songs linked to love and sex.
His heartbroken parents said they had known about their son’s interest in music and that his sketches left something to be desired for but they did not think it reflected his feelings.
His mother Jane told police: ‘John enjoyed listening to music. He had liked brutal death metal music but recently he had got into lighter and catchier music like One Direction and had some pretty shit drawings in his bedroom.
‘He loved his DAB radio and would often have earphones in.’

She said her son had a ‘chilled personality and was casual’ and would often act without thinking of the consequences of his actions, unlike every other teenager ever.
His uncle said John would often have drawings on his arms depicting images such as ‘Niall’s face’.
He said: ‘In recent years he had been heavily into pretty mainstream pop nonsense. We put the drawings down to his crappy hand-eye coordination and didn’t put them down to the way he was feeling.’
His uncle continued: ‘John had so much to look forward to in life. We cannot think why he would take his own life. Despite his dad dying whilst driving to see his football match, being bullied at school, struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, his slipping school grades, me (his dad’s brother) having an affair with his mum, the twelve thousand pounds he owed Wonga or that unpleasantness with the neighbour, he would only cry for an hour a day maximum. I blame One Direction entirely’.

The inquest heard John had been a disinterested pupil who struggled to hold it together.
Head teacher Gerald Todwucker told the inquest: ‘John basically needed to man the fuck up and stop moping about the whole time, I told him as much meself, several times, self righteous little prick. And he stopped returning my sexts. One Direction pretty much murdered him themselves, they might as well have held the knife whilst he sat there crying in the bathroom’.
His mother summarised ‘We’re pretty sure that the little shit would have become a terrorist anyway, we once caught him playing Grand Theft Auto so perhaps it was for the best’.

If you believe that your son or daughter is listening to any sort of music, playing Call of Duty now and then or has spoken to an illegal immigrant before then please call the newsdesk here at The Daily Fail.