On March 2nd all the biggest and brightest names in the world of film assembled for the 86th Academy Awards. All of them, that is, except for a few notable exceptions.
Yes, dear reader, we were overlooked again! The Academy once again besmirched the honour of the greatest assembly of acting and writing talent that a small village in Suffolk has ever produced! Featuring the acting talents of Chester “Loudest and Most Frequently Gesticulating Man 2014” Curtis, the subtle latino charms of writer/director/editor/producer/actor Will McDaniel and yours truly in an intensely understated supporting role, Ripped Film’s omission from ANY of the voting categories was, frankly, as baffling as the structure of this sentence. With all of the explosive special effects you would expect from a 70’s action B movie, the restrained and thought provoking plot reminiscent of Steven Seagal’s more recent work and several unnecessary and gratuitous shots of slightly out of shape hairy men in underwear and body stockings, Ripped Films was many critics’ pick for Best Picture:
“Yeah, sure it was good alright now let me watch Corrie”
“What are you wearing stockings for lads, I thought you stopped this fannying around ten years ago?”
“Has anyone seen my tights, I bought a new pack the other day and can’t find them anywhere?”
“Stop dressing the dogs up, it confuses them”
Perhaps even more outrageous was Jared Leto’s victory in the category of Best Supporting Actor. Putting in the sort of performance that led my high school drama teacher to write “Daniel tries really hard and he is good at writing, howev…” and coping extraordinarily well with cameraman Alex’s decision to use 5ft 7 Chester as the guide for the frame (leading to my head being cropped out fairly often) I felt at the very least that Mr Leto would be giving me a piggyback up the steps to collect my prize.
Pah, next time!
As a condition for sharing Ripped Films, which is “ruined by one of the actors” (he declined to name which one), Will has made me promise to show you this short film which he says is far better (but oddly doesn’t feature me, I mean…I was available for it I think but for some reason I didn’t get a text all weekend?).
Oh and apparently he’s found another useless, lanky cretin for his next movie but if you could subscribe to his Youtube channel willmcd87: http://bit.ly/1qtM26P he promised he might find a role for me in future.