A People’s Porsche

I have desired the Porsche 944 since I was five years old. Actually, that’s a lie, I’ve desired a 1986 Porsche 911 Turbo with the massive whale tail in Guards Red wi…oh hang on, I need a cold shower. Anyway, with £3,000 sitting in the bank I plumped for the people’s Porsche. I’ve always admired the sheer unashamed 80’s cool of it, the beige carpet interior, the sharp faux futuristic lines, the Nightrider-esque pop-up headlights.

I’ve been reading up on them for two or three years, online reviews, users guides, wikipedia articles and trawling Autotrader so I know all the good and the bad. I’ve never seen the phrase “bombproof” used so much outside of a Hurtlocker review and apparently the car is fixable by anyone with a basic mechanical knowledge of farm machinery (I am not among that number), however it is still a Porsche and servicing can be (not IS, CAN BE) pricey. I’m 25 years old now and have been driving for 6 of those years, with no claims. I got a price for £450 to insure, which I was pretty pleased with considering that its a 2.5 Litre. So, with a “you only live once” (I won’t be abbreviating that) attitude I got myself a Lux FH. After trading in my Yaris, I had money left over for the insurance, a full tank of petrol and still had change from my savings.

I’m not particularly fussed by what people think of me, afterall I have been driving a 2002 Toyota Yaris in a nice shade of Parking Dent and Rust for the past two years, however the reactions of peers and coworkers has surprised me. A close friend of mine came for a drive with me and was effusive in his praise, rambling excitedly about the great condition and what a beauty it was. Then, oddly, at a social gathering the following week when asked what he thought he joined and even led the mockery. Yes, mockery. I’ve never batted an eyelid when my friends have bought cars and yet somehow mine became a subject of group discussion.
Despite being the sort of person who spends several hours a day on forums for months researching purchases as mudane as computer graphics cards, my friends seemed to be under the impression that I swanned into a showroom and threw my wallet at the closest thing I could see. Everything from “rustbucket”- it has a galvanised steel body, to “thirsty”- I’ve been getting 33mpg, was slung at it. A work colleague, who drives a five year old Ford Focus said “I’m not daft enough to be lumbered with a huge loan like that”, yet I bought the car outright. Which is odd as his car cost twice as much and a 1.8 Focus returns probably 3mpg more to the gallon. A friend who bought a “designer” hatchback (you know the type), on a five year finance plan called the car “silly” and implied it was part of an early midlife crisis. Yet it cost as much as 8 of her monthly payments and, by my rudimentary maths, would need to cost £1,200 in every service for ten years to be more of a drain on my pocket.

So perhaps it is jealousy, or if not then my friends feel that far more of my life is their domain than I do of theirs. Regardless, I smile like a Cheshire Cat every time that I step out of my front door or put my right foot down on a straight.
In my next blog I will talk through, in as journalistic a fashion as I can, my early ownership experiences and offer a first review of my new toy.

How to be: A real Magic playa

Have you ever wandered past your local hobbyist/gaming store and seen two bearded behemoths, grunting and slogging it out over the great cityscape of Ravnica and thought “damn, they cool”. Sweat dripping from their chins as they violently throw a Cancel across the table, they are proud gangsters of gaming. But what if you actually were a gangster of gaming rather than an odorous cellar dweller? Well now you can join the elite with this great guide.

Shout “BOOM” whenever you do anything. Killing a creature? Playing a creature? Untapping a land? Rolling a dice? Moving counters? Make every phase of your game a noisy and flamboyant experience. Other players add two to their mana pool, you add BOOM to your mana pool and bring da pain of a thousand rains. Or something equally redundant and extroverted. Use phrases like that one for extra effect, but not that one, I might trademark it.

Interrupt everything with “yo momma”. Interrupting an opponent by playing an unrelated instant or activating an ability can throw them off. Doing it twice by playing Think Twice and activating it’s flashback can irritate and confuse them, simply shouting “yo momma” every few seconds or in response to any other state based action will yield respect by the bucketload. What’s more playa than implying that you copulated with your opponent’s mother? Nothing. Fact.

Dress gangster. Look at these other nerds, dressed all normal. Dat be cray. Hip it up, wear parachute pants, tanktops and extravagant faux gold jewelry. Keep at least one hand down aforementioned pants at all times. This is essential. You need to give the impression that you are holding your genitals or possibly masturbating, that just defines relaxed. At the very least it will make your opponent uncomfortable or distracted. Use this hand to shake your opponent’s after you inevitably win. Actually don’t shake, what are you, square? Bones it. But use your dick hand, preferably a little sweaty.

Use early 90’s gangster slang, picked up from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Public Enemy videos. This is the epitome of contemporary cool.

Flirt. This will either weaken their defences or make them uneasy. More often than not you’ll be sat across from a hairy, overweight, sweaty bloke whose last third party genital contact was when the doctor pronounced “its a boy”. Leaning across the table and whispering “I’m going to slip your wurm into my O-ring” will really throw them a curveball.

Flash the Benjamins. Flaunt your wealth son, drop that five pound note like a bomb at any opportunity. Use pound coins as counters, use a fiddy as an elf token. If you elected to wear a full shellsuit instead of a tanktop then let the big 5’s slip nonchalantly from your sleeves and slam down on the table. This will make it look like you’re made of money. In fact, sew some notes together and wear them as a coat. Don’t sew too well though, that’s nerdy. Nothing is more playa than wealth.

Keep a ho on da arm. Ensure that you are accompanied by a woman at all times. Any woman will do, though preferably not one who is obviously your sister/mother. This will ramp up your sex appeal and dazzle your opponents before you slay dem with yo mad skills. In fact, use your sister and make constant reference to your blood relation. This devil may care attitude will win you the hearts and minds of any spectators and surely grow your entourage.

Finally, frequently laugh in short “ahah” or “yeahha” bursts. Rappers do this all the time. So you know it’s cool.