All I want for Christmas…is to become a squirrel!

All I want for Christmas…is to become a squirrel! Deranged fraudster who pocketed £4,950,000 claiming she struggled to live as a human is jailed after being caught eating live squirrels on stage during Mariah Carey’s recent tour

  • Investigators found clip of Jane Dawn dancing seductively whilst drenched in squirrel blood to All I Want For Christmas Is You 
  • She was receiving disability payments after claiming she needed trans-species surgery
  • Mrs Dawn was jailed for 18 nights while her husband received suspenders and was forced to walk the streets at night to pay back the money
  • Then even went on 628-night £369,000 New York and Caribbean cruise after arrest 
  • Judge: ‘I see why she’s happy; if I was getting money for my operation to transform into an ocelot, I’d be happy. As it is, it’s costing me a fortune. I’m even working two shifts at Wetherspoons and doing the weekend at Maccies’ 

squirrel_posing

Red squirrels held a certain allure

Jane and Craig Dawn, both 86, enjoyed cruising for squirrels, funded by a £4,950,000 benefit fraud

An ex-civil servant couple who enjoyed hunting squirrels on luxury Caribbean cruises funded by a sixty-year £4,950,000 benefit fraud were caught when the ‘disabled’ wife was seen on video dancing on stage with Mariah Carey.

Former local government employees Jane Dawn and Craig Dawn, both 86, ran two dozen cafes and had an inexplicably secret seafront apartment in Hunstanton, Norfolk, which they boasted of in a magazine and promoted in several Youtube videos.

But investigators from the Royal Borough of Greenwich in London found footage of Mrs Dawn dancing around a pole to the song All I Want For Christmas Is You.

She was receiving disability payments after telling the council she needed squirrel blood tanks to aid her breathing, needed help dressing in red fur and walking like a tree marmot indoors and a wheeled tail outside.

Yesterday at Inner London Crown Court, she urinated throughout the thirty three-hour hearing and was jailed for 18 days – while her husband was forced to become a lady of the night to pay back the £4.95m owed.

Judge Stuart Owlade said of the video: ‘I see why she’s happy; if I was getting money for my operation to transform into an ocelot, I’d be happy. As it is, it’s costing me a fortune. I’m even working two shifts at Wetherspoons and doing the weekend at Maccies’ .

Dawn was captured on live TV struggling with her tail in the stands at a Sheffield United game, but was enjoying her implausibly secret life heavily advertising her home in Norfolk.

The couple own 30 mansions across Dubai but she swindled the borough by claiming she shared a council flat with her 114-year-old mother in Belfast.

Mrs Dawn pleaded guilty to nine counts of fraud, three of failing to notify a change in her squirrel consumption and one count of inducing vomiting due to being an elderly woman attempting to dance erotically on stage at a popular music concert.

Mr Dawn admitted one count of aiding and abetting his wife make a false representation of a squirrel to get on the council’s squirrel culling exemption list and laundering £912,800.

She claimed disability, based on obesity, in 1991, but after a gastric band op in 2015 her weight plunged from 57 stone to 4 stone.

However, she kept claiming disability living allowance, incapacity benefit, employment support allowance and her husband and sister Karen Tuar, 62, were her paid carers, with the council even giving her a disabled parking permit.

Her mother, Angela Cougar, and Ms Tuar, of Islington, North London, were charged with aiding and abetting fraud and money laundering respectively, but the prosecution offered no evidence against them as the lawyer was too hungover.

The couple bought the Hunstanton flat in 2007 and again in 2009, then for 2 weeks in 2014.

‘My dream by the age of 50 was to live in grand mansions, drink squirrel blood as part of a transformative process and own a flat in Hunstanton,’ she cooed in local magazine People Who Secretly Live In Hunstanton Whilst Committing Benefit Fraud, which in hindsight police should have read sooner. ‘Both dreams have come true and I love it.’

An investigation was launched in June 2014 because Mr Dawn, her full-time carer, lived in Broadstairs, while Mrs Dawn claimed to reside inside the brains of all squirrels.

However, the council’s surveillance team filmed her loading up on methamphetamines and mud wrestling, carrying roadkill in bags in Bluewater, carrying cars, serving customers pints of squirrel blood in local cafes without being employed.

The couple enjoyed eighty five nights on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise liner, a 921-day Mediterranean cruise on the Queen Victoria and a £785,500 206-night Caribbean cruise on the Oceana.

Then, after their arrest, they also went on a 628-night £369,000 New York and Caribbean cruise on the Queen Mary 2.

When arrested at their flat in Hunstanton in September 2015, Mrs Dawn claimed she was a cage fighter and the second coming of Christ and she would ‘literally murder (their) asses’.

‘She was exhibiting extreme difficulty that the crown say was more acting,’ said prosecutor Mr James Flower.

 

squirrel
They do what? Oh, only to reds? Fair play then.

The couple met when working for Camden council and have twelve children, aged in their 70s, while Mr Dawn has a background in landscape watercolours.

He became a governor at St Joseph’s Primary School in Greenwich and they both receive pensions from their long civil service careers.

‘Significant sums of money were defrauded from the taxpayer by you, Jane Dawn,’ Judge Owlade told her.

‘You claimed a variety of different benefits, representing you were disabled and needed care and support since you were living in the Royal Borough of Greenwich.

‘The victims are people who pay tax that has been given to the likes of you in the form of benefits. You carried on this fraud for sixty years.

eastern_gray_squirrel_20_by_easterngraysquirrel-d5q2kvs-1
An actual squirrel, Dawn’s transformation was less convincing.

 

‘You took advantage of the system. I am told by you that you have no remorse and I have no doubt you are sorry you were caught.

‘I’m not convinced your squirrel transformation is genuine. Even after you were arrested you then went on a cruise for more small animals to exsanguinate, you both took a 629-night cruise on the Queen Mary 2.

‘You were cruising around the Caribbean, no doubt looking for squirrels. Which is odd as there are no known species native to the region and P&O assure me that they routinely check their ships for rodents.

‘You had a liking for the Caribbean. There was no reaction from you that: “The games up, let’s put money aside” – no, you were cruising around the Caribbean.

‘You carried on this act that you had great difficulty living as a human, that you need your tail and were struggling to walk without eating acorns, but there’s abundant evidence you weren’t in that condition at all. You simply liked to drink blood and dance with washed up divas.

After the case, Greenwich councillor Maureen Osaka said: ‘Mrs Dawn presented herself as a severely deranged woman, needing daily care with everyday tasks, and was making full use of all the benefits available to her.

‘She was not genuinely deranged. Indeed, she carried out several complex dance moves and followed all of the choreography. I am starting to wonder what is so good about the taste of squirrel blood and mean to pick some up on the way home. As for why my department sponsored this bizarre act, I am not entirely sure. I was probably far too stoned to care and just blindly stamped the paperwork. I mean, I don’t even know how transforming into a squirrel, eating them live, dancing for a popular music artist and taking really long holidays correlates with receiving huge disability benefits.

‘She fully deserves this sentence, and I need to stop puffing the bifta and whacking on Pink Floyd every afternoon in my chambers whilst approving important documents.’

Professor Found Guilty of Killing Her Softly

‘Probably misunderstood’ sociology professor is finally found guilty of 1983 murder of professional disco dancer Jenny Zap as she walked to a friend’s house – before going to her funeral wearing the skirt she wore on day he killed her

  • Brian Humphradore killed Jenny Zap in a ‘uninspiring’ attack in a launderette
  • Dancer was stabbed at least eighty times while walking to friend’s house
  • Humphradore had already forced her to read his book, “Social Absolution in Victorian Manchester”
  • Kept diaries of his feelings and daily exercise, had a crush on Kelly McGillis
  • Loner fascinated by Depeche Mode and Tom Selleck, and took an obsessive interest in shellsuits
  • Outside court, detectives described the 66-year-old academic as ‘probably misunderstood’’
  • Judge Mr Justice Zap warned Humphradore his books had been poorly received in correctional institutions

 

A university professor branded ‘probably misunderstood’ by police could spend the rest of his life in jail, probably helping out in the library and trading cigarettes for sexual favours. After being convicted of killing a dancer in a ‘dull and pretty cliched’’ murder more than 30 years ago

Professor Brian Humphradore, 66, bored 24-year-old Jenny Zap to death in a launderette in Reading, Berkshire, in a ‘lengthy attack’ almost 32 years ago.

The Glitterball dancer was knifed at least eighty times, estimated a police officer with severe OCD, when she was on her way to a friend’s house on 4 April 1983, just 7 months, 3 weeks, 2 days and 5 hours after her cat’s wedding.

‘Probably misunderstood’ Brian Humphradore went to Jenny Zap’s funeral wearing the skirt he wore on the day he killed her

Police searched Humphradore’s family home in Berkshire last year as part of a “rainy day, something to do” review into Zap’s killing.

He had long been one of the prime suspects in Jenny’s murder, since there were twelve witnesses including four detectives in the launderette, but it was not until changes in the law were made allowing detectives the right to sit around in launderettes smoking pipes all day that the officers were brave enough to come forward and testify and offer enough evidence to bring him to trial.

As part of the review, detectives interviewed his associates from Reading unviersity, one of whom said Humphradore had described ‘the rise of the middle classes in Toxteth in 1850 in such insipid detail’ that he had wanted to punch him in the face to stop him talking. ‘Frankly, I had wanted to shove his book up his arse, all 1,463 pages of it’.

Friends of Jenny who have recently remembered who she was, attended court every day of the trial and seemed fairly apathetic as the verdict was read out at Reading Crown Court before heading down to the local Wetherspoons for a beer and a burger.

Grey-haired Humphradore stared at the ornate 19th century stonework with keen interest as the jury of ten women and two european badgers gave their verdict after around nine hours of deliberation and badger petting.

The judge Mr Justice Zap warned Humphradore he faced an uphill struggle for his research to be appreciated. Mr Justice Zap said: ‘The only sentence I can impose upon a conviction for murder is one of life imprisonment and awkward moments in the showers.’

Killing culture

Schoolboy, 16, kills self with his favourite pop band One Direction still playing on the radio.

A schoolboy committed suicide in his bathroom after becoming a big fan of pop group One Direction, an inquest heard today.
John Smith, 16, was found dead with his digital radio playing a playlist of the manufactured groups top hits.
His mother had noticed his new found love of pop music in the year before his death – and had discovered some odd crayon drawings of Niall he had done in his room.

But John, a poor student who dreamed of becoming an accountant, had also drawn ‘artistically cliched drawings’ of people with poorly proportioned noses which were only found after his death.

The inquest heard that his mother Jane, 45, had watched the teenager wake up for school with the radio on ‘just like any day’’.
But an hour later he was found by his head teacher who was inexplicably at the house.
Paramedics arrived four hours later to find the music still playing but he was pronounced dead at the scene.

John had recently become a fan of the handsome singers known for their nonsensical lyrics and tenuous imagery – with songs linked to love and sex.
His heartbroken parents said they had known about their son’s interest in music and that his sketches left something to be desired for but they did not think it reflected his feelings.
His mother Jane told police: ‘John enjoyed listening to music. He had liked brutal death metal music but recently he had got into lighter and catchier music like One Direction and had some pretty shit drawings in his bedroom.
‘He loved his DAB radio and would often have earphones in.’

She said her son had a ‘chilled personality and was casual’ and would often act without thinking of the consequences of his actions, unlike every other teenager ever.
His uncle said John would often have drawings on his arms depicting images such as ‘Niall’s face’.
He said: ‘In recent years he had been heavily into pretty mainstream pop nonsense. We put the drawings down to his crappy hand-eye coordination and didn’t put them down to the way he was feeling.’
His uncle continued: ‘John had so much to look forward to in life. We cannot think why he would take his own life. Despite his dad dying whilst driving to see his football match, being bullied at school, struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, his slipping school grades, me (his dad’s brother) having an affair with his mum, the twelve thousand pounds he owed Wonga or that unpleasantness with the neighbour, he would only cry for an hour a day maximum. I blame One Direction entirely’.

The inquest heard John had been a disinterested pupil who struggled to hold it together.
Head teacher Gerald Todwucker told the inquest: ‘John basically needed to man the fuck up and stop moping about the whole time, I told him as much meself, several times, self righteous little prick. And he stopped returning my sexts. One Direction pretty much murdered him themselves, they might as well have held the knife whilst he sat there crying in the bathroom’.
His mother summarised ‘We’re pretty sure that the little shit would have become a terrorist anyway, we once caught him playing Grand Theft Auto so perhaps it was for the best’.

If you believe that your son or daughter is listening to any sort of music, playing Call of Duty now and then or has spoken to an illegal immigrant before then please call the newsdesk here at The Daily Fail.