This Caught My Eye

I visited a local public hall this evening and noticed this sheet detailing fundraising progress.


Now, first of all, good on them! It’s great that they’re raising money for their hall…
Secondly…WHAT THE HELL IS “guess the cat”?!?!

I have been wracking my brain over this all night (I know, you’d think that a thorough wrack of this peanut would take a mere minute). I have come up with several possible ideas.

1. Much like at a country fair where people guess the weight of a cake and then win aforementioned food, in Guess The Cat you must guess the weight of a feline. This could be made more challenging by choosing a long hair kitty like my Charlie Yowyow (pictured below, apparently confused by the bird feeder). However a ready supply of cats would be needed so as to gift the winner.


2. Photos of “celebrity” moggies could be shown as a slide show in a quiz type setting, no conferring, no imdb. Famous cats such as…ummm…the one that was in the opening credits for Coronation Street or the one that used to live on Downing Street or…ummm…this seems like a slightly limited game.


3. Fecal samples are taken from all of the participants cats, and by taken I don’t mean manually extracted, and presented in a litter box. The participants must pay £1, guess which shit belongs to their cat and the winner gets…see i’m out of ideas again! I can’t imagine that people would pay for their own cat shit.

Oh, the slight discoloration and strong scent of haddock, it must be Geoffrey’s!

I’m stumped. Can anyone else think of anything?

Beccles International

I have, for the majority of my life, lived in a suburb of the small riverside town of Beccles, Suffolk.
My friends are all from other surrounding villages. Beccles has a population of about 10,000 people, if you count all the small villages and hamlets, and is practically indistinguishable from any other small English town.
Beccles has a couple claims to fame; Horatio Nelson’s parents either lived or got married here (I forget which), and that guy who used to be on Blue Peter but now does a bit of football presenting is from here too. That is pretty much it. There is nothing exceptional.
About five years ago, myself and a few friends got into a debate/argument about train routes. One friend, Chester, insisted that there was a train from Beccles to London. The rest of us disagreed. Chester of course meant that there is a way to reach London from Beccles by train. An hour or so long train journey will take you to Ipswich, the county town (kinda like a state capital for you Americans) of Suffolk, which is the end of this train line. You then change trains at Ipswich and take an hour or so long train into Kings Cross, London and the civilised world. Chester was technically right, but he argued for over an hour that there was a DIRECT, no changes train from Beccles to London and had refused to concede the point. Ever since then, we, or mostly I, have made regular jokes about Beccles being a national or even international transportation hub. This is what this post is about…


Beccles International Megatropolis Transportation Hub and Stadium

It’s easy to see why Beccles is the clear choice for businessmen, world leaders, movie stars and pig farmers. With direct train lines running to London, Washington DC, New York, Toronto, Anchorage, Vladivostok, Moscow, Tokyo, Sydney, Melbourne, Istanbul, Cairo, Berlin, Paris and Burgh St Peter, Beccles International Megatropolis Transportation Hub and Stadium caters for the globe’s commuting and leisure travel.
Our fleet of 486 bullet trains and 8 horse pulled wheelbarrows will guarantee to get you where you need, fast.
Just 78 minutes from Beccles to Tokyo, 36 minutes to Sydney or 436 minutes to Burgh St Peter, you know you’ll be chomping sushi, hunting marsupials or being sexually assaulted to the sound of banjo music before you know it.
If you’re tired, take advantage of our facilities; we have over four million spacious toilet cubicles and a 780,000 bed Hilton hotel.
Enjoy the night life at Beccles International Megatropolis Transportation Hub and Stadium Stadium, our 275,000 capacity all seater stadium is just one baffling ordeal of a tube journey away and features internationally renowned residencys from acts such as Will Young, Mika, Cher, Bon Jovi, Hillary Duff and stand up comedy from Miranda Hart.
Or enjoy the facilities around the stadium. Our unheated, outdoor 3 x olympic size pool and integrated shark tank offers all the fun of a day at the pool, aquarium and horror movie combined into one convenient experience.

Coming soon for 2013:

Bon Jovi
More Bon Jovi
I don’t know, like a thousand more trains
Cape Town, ZA • May 7, 2013
Bon Jovi
Free travel for Ecuadorians
More tiger sharks and possibly a great white if we can get hold of one
Door to door service; Bon Jovi will drive a fucking train right to your house

All images taken from Google. If you own an image and want me to take it down then please just get in contact.

Latest Football Transfer News

Latest transfer news!!
Bale to definitely leave Spurs.
In a news conference today Carlo Ancelotti, Real Madrid head honcho, unequivocally confirmed the imminent arrival of Gareth Bale. Ahead of his side’s friendly with Levante, Ancelotti shocked journalists who had been asking like, totally unrelated questions by excitedly shouting “yes, i am completely aware of who Bale is, now can we please get back to the matter at hand”. Meanwhile David Pleat exclusively told any newspaper who would listen that “Bale should stay at Spurs, he’s too young to move”, whilst (delete where applicable) Kia Joorabchian/Dave Whelan/Alan Shearer/Jamie Redknapp/anyone else who has too much time on their hands or likes to stir the pot tweeted “Bale iz gud enuff fur Rail Madreed”.
To further compound this totally legitimate new story, reports in Spain suggest that Christian Bale (who might probably be related somewhere down the line, as he was born in Wales too) has been sighted on a beach near Barcelona. Whether he was scouting out a possible alternative for his friend/relative/whatever would be completely groundless conjecture…so we’re going to say that he definitely was, and that Christian may also now be Gareth’s agent. In recent weeks Gareth Bale has been seen visiting the Tottenham branch of restaurant chain Nando’s (which must be like Spanish or Mexican or summat), and when he spotted our cameras he held the menu up close to his face, clearly brushing up on the lingo ahead of his imminent departure.

How to be: A real Magic playa

Have you ever wandered past your local hobbyist/gaming store and seen two bearded behemoths, grunting and slogging it out over the great cityscape of Ravnica and thought “damn, they cool”. Sweat dripping from their chins as they violently throw a Cancel across the table, they are proud gangsters of gaming. But what if you actually were a gangster of gaming rather than an odorous cellar dweller? Well now you can join the elite with this great guide.

Shout “BOOM” whenever you do anything. Killing a creature? Playing a creature? Untapping a land? Rolling a dice? Moving counters? Make every phase of your game a noisy and flamboyant experience. Other players add two to their mana pool, you add BOOM to your mana pool and bring da pain of a thousand rains. Or something equally redundant and extroverted. Use phrases like that one for extra effect, but not that one, I might trademark it.

Interrupt everything with “yo momma”. Interrupting an opponent by playing an unrelated instant or activating an ability can throw them off. Doing it twice by playing Think Twice and activating it’s flashback can irritate and confuse them, simply shouting “yo momma” every few seconds or in response to any other state based action will yield respect by the bucketload. What’s more playa than implying that you copulated with your opponent’s mother? Nothing. Fact.

Dress gangster. Look at these other nerds, dressed all normal. Dat be cray. Hip it up, wear parachute pants, tanktops and extravagant faux gold jewelry. Keep at least one hand down aforementioned pants at all times. This is essential. You need to give the impression that you are holding your genitals or possibly masturbating, that just defines relaxed. At the very least it will make your opponent uncomfortable or distracted. Use this hand to shake your opponent’s after you inevitably win. Actually don’t shake, what are you, square? Bones it. But use your dick hand, preferably a little sweaty.

Use early 90’s gangster slang, picked up from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Public Enemy videos. This is the epitome of contemporary cool.

Flirt. This will either weaken their defences or make them uneasy. More often than not you’ll be sat across from a hairy, overweight, sweaty bloke whose last third party genital contact was when the doctor pronounced “its a boy”. Leaning across the table and whispering “I’m going to slip your wurm into my O-ring” will really throw them a curveball.

Flash the Benjamins. Flaunt your wealth son, drop that five pound note like a bomb at any opportunity. Use pound coins as counters, use a fiddy as an elf token. If you elected to wear a full shellsuit instead of a tanktop then let the big 5’s slip nonchalantly from your sleeves and slam down on the table. This will make it look like you’re made of money. In fact, sew some notes together and wear them as a coat. Don’t sew too well though, that’s nerdy. Nothing is more playa than wealth.

Keep a ho on da arm. Ensure that you are accompanied by a woman at all times. Any woman will do, though preferably not one who is obviously your sister/mother. This will ramp up your sex appeal and dazzle your opponents before you slay dem with yo mad skills. In fact, use your sister and make constant reference to your blood relation. This devil may care attitude will win you the hearts and minds of any spectators and surely grow your entourage.

Finally, frequently laugh in short “ahah” or “yeahha” bursts. Rappers do this all the time. So you know it’s cool.

Why You Shouldn’t Watch Television With Me

I tend to comment on everything i see on television. Most things annoy me. I often sit and provide a running commentary of why a program is insulting, redundant or just shit. I imagine people don’t enjoy watching television with me. This is also why i do not have a television myself, as i only enjoy half a dozen programs and cant sit still for long. I also need to do something else whilst watching a show, such as play Football Manager, browse random websites or type blogs about how much television annoys me. Right now i’m watching Community. Its better than most but its not quite the best comedy I’ve seen, i’d give it a 7.
What annoys me most about television is the adverts. Don’t get me wrong, i hate adverts in all contexts (except adverts for cars i like), but in a magazine or on a billboard they are far easier to ignore, they don’t scream out and seep insidiously into your subconscious as they do on television. I am thankful, however, that i don’t live in America. From my brief holiday there two years ago and occasional streams of American broadcasts i get the impression that they get a lot more adverts than us. The half time break on the Fox Soccer coverage of Liverpool v Chelsea the other week ran thusly; 4 mins adverts- 25 seconds in the studio with a pundit asked 1 question- 4 minutes adverts- back to the studio and another solitary question- 4 minutes adverts- back into live coverage of the game. I think i would find that level of intrusion genuinely unbearable. In my strangely frequent trips to the cinema of late i have wondered whether the irony of 35 minutes of adverts (yes adverts, maybe 2 movie trailers involved), including three about the public killing cinema (“you wouldn’t steal a car so don’t download a movie” and “an experience shared…lost”), is lost on people. Cinemas are killing cinema by charging £9 for a ticket and £4 for a drink and then making us wait around for 35 minutes before a film. That’s not even taking into account that i mostly go to the cinema on dates, thus doubling the cost, or the stupidity of the adverts. I do not go to the cinema to be with other people, i strongly dislike other people; they sweat, talk and rustle throughout a movie. I would much prefer to watch every good movie in my bedroom, in my bed with a blu ray rip on my 32in 1920×1080 tv alone or with a girl, so you’re really not getting my support for your campaign to stuff 100 strangers into a room and charge them a ridiculous amount. As for equating torrenting a movie to stealing a car…come on! I’m not going to sit here and justify my download of a blu ray rip as being somehow morally positive but i would look at the absurd inflation charged by my own establishment before accusing everyone of being hellbound car thieves. I appreciate that movie piracy/cinema pricing is a chicken/egg conundrum so i won’t extrapolate further but i think that with all the problems in the world one only has so many fucks to give out and the cinema industry isn’t gonna receive one from me.
Anyway, enough preamble. Yes, that was preamble, i warned you that i can get carried away typing sometimes. This is a blog about television adverts so i decided to record a typical advert break on a freeview tv channel at 8pm this evening. I might have missed the first advert on as i was skipping channels to find them. Here is what i witnessed:

An E-On advert that implied that the company cares about making its customers warmer, ergo happier people. Seriously, lets cut the bullshit, energy companies essentially dictate their own prices and hike them up regularly. It is difficult to provide your own sustainable energy so people are reliant on an energy company, they hold all the cards. They care about profits, their executives don’t sit up at night worrying about how to make people warmer and fuzzier and happy, they worry about who their wife has been banging whilst they’ve been at work all week plotting how to improve profits by 3.2% per quarter.

A Nivea  commercial for their new deodorant for women who exclusively wear black and white dresses. Apparently this is a genuine problem and isn’t limited to Cruella Devile impersonators. Ok that was a lie, it was something to do with white marks or something. I’ve never had a problem with my deodorant/anti perspirant and i don’t think that would change even if i had a penchant for unusually coloured jumpers. These aren’t real problems. If i did a commercial for Nivea it would be of a person spraying their pits and then saying “now i wont sweat so much”. Job done.

Up next was a commercial encouraging people to buy their Christmas champagne at Morrisons and to store it on a shelf in their garage, implying that most people store their wines on a shelf in their garage rather than a wine cellar. It irritated me for two reasons; Christmas is over a month away and Morrisons is trying to be “down” with the lower middle classes who would keep their wine in a non conventional yet logical place, as opposed to the working classes who simply drink wine as soon as it comes into their possession and the upper classes who have vast vaults and catacombs beneath their homes in which they store decades worth of the finest wines. I dislike any advert by a major soulless corporation which attempts to knowingly wink at their target demographic in a “we’re just like you” way, no you’re not like us, your staff are but you aren’t. You are an advertising executive, you live in a small London flat which costs £1k a month to rent and you drive an Audi A4 company car. You are a douche.

DFS have caught Christmas fever too. Apparently everyone and his wife is clamoring to buy a pvc and chipboard settee to plump their arses down onto on December 25th. Who genuinely wants a large item of furniture for Christmas? Isn’t the whole experience of Christmas stressful enough without 3 blokes tramping through your living room with a huge sofa? The advert even goes as far as to show the sofa as being some kind of central fixture in Christmas celebrations, adults caress it whilst smiling dementedly, children drop their toys to lounge on and cuddle the cheap furnishings. Finally, when a business runs a sale for 365 days a year the quoted sale price is the actual price, not a markdown bargain.

Oh and to round it all off, the final advert was for the new smaller iPad. Remember, the one they constantly insisted they would never build and that there was no market for? I still can’t see why someone with a smart phone and a tablet would require a slightly smaller tablet, nor can i see why the hell anyone would buy an iPad apart from to show everybody how alternative and cool they are by being part of the 99% of the Western world who clamor to own a technically inferior product which is marked up and finished in a trendy white enamel. I had an iPhone, it was alright but relied on you using iEverything rather than allowing you to just drag and drop your own media to it. I imagine that if everything you own is by Apple then its a good idea to continue with that (highly expensive) strategy but i couldn’t deal with it and upgraded to a Galaxy S3, on which i can install emulators, copy my blu ray rips and listen to my music without going through a baffling 2 hour ordeal which ends up in all my phone numbers being wiped. I had a Galaxy tab at the same time as my iPhone and, aside from an exciting honeymoon period, cannot see for the life of me why somebody would need both a tablet and a smart phone as they do essentially the same thing except a tablet can’t make calls. My friend countered this argument by saying he enjoyed the significantly larger screen size of his tablet, but if you’re buying an iPad mini this doesn’t really apply as the difference is negligible. Then again, i doubt many iConsumers really tend to consider logic when making their purchases.
Yeah, so don’t watch tv with me.