Overweight, unemployed and with a heavy regional accent, Barry Turrell, 39, expressed his great surprise at yet again failing to win the Postcode Lottery. Staring balefully at the advert running in the first break slot in You’ve Been Framed! Animal Gold! Turrell, a former supermarket cashier, was heard to mutter “bloody joke”. When asked to expand upon his thoughts Turrell smeared Value Tortilla dust from his left hand and wiped his nose, “Oi jus think its bluddy daft that they is always sayin’ there are these big prizes an’ all but I ain’t seen owt”.
Turrell reached for a sip of lager before continuing “At end of day, all these people are winning loads o’cash and I t’aint t’seent none o’ it. False advertising it is, plickical crictness gown mad’. Growing visibly agitated the man, who had received close to £45,000 in benefits since he had last applied for a job, expressed his hope that a big Postcode Lottery windfall was just around the corner and that he could “go abroad, loike Magaluff an’ that, maybe get one of them fancy conservtrees I want”.
Patting his bulging stomach, Turrell admitted that he was not unhappy in general, but was simply disappointed that “at end of t’day I hant seen that bird who were on Changing Rooms t’few years back an I just figure it’s t’my chance to be given one o’dem t’huge t’checks by a Big Brother runner up”.
After a polite enquiry from our reporter Turrell sat aghast at the news that one was not automatically enrolled into the lottery game and murmured that he would start buying a ticket when he gets his fags from the offy.