Killing culture

Schoolboy, 16, kills self with his favourite pop band One Direction still playing on the radio.

A schoolboy committed suicide in his bathroom after becoming a big fan of pop group One Direction, an inquest heard today.
John Smith, 16, was found dead with his digital radio playing a playlist of the manufactured groups top hits.
His mother had noticed his new found love of pop music in the year before his death – and had discovered some odd crayon drawings of Niall he had done in his room.

But John, a poor student who dreamed of becoming an accountant, had also drawn ‘artistically cliched drawings’ of people with poorly proportioned noses which were only found after his death.

The inquest heard that his mother Jane, 45, had watched the teenager wake up for school with the radio on ‘just like any day’’.
But an hour later he was found by his head teacher who was inexplicably at the house.
Paramedics arrived four hours later to find the music still playing but he was pronounced dead at the scene.

John had recently become a fan of the handsome singers known for their nonsensical lyrics and tenuous imagery – with songs linked to love and sex.
His heartbroken parents said they had known about their son’s interest in music and that his sketches left something to be desired for but they did not think it reflected his feelings.
His mother Jane told police: ‘John enjoyed listening to music. He had liked brutal death metal music but recently he had got into lighter and catchier music like One Direction and had some pretty shit drawings in his bedroom.
‘He loved his DAB radio and would often have earphones in.’

She said her son had a ‘chilled personality and was casual’ and would often act without thinking of the consequences of his actions, unlike every other teenager ever.
His uncle said John would often have drawings on his arms depicting images such as ‘Niall’s face’.
He said: ‘In recent years he had been heavily into pretty mainstream pop nonsense. We put the drawings down to his crappy hand-eye coordination and didn’t put them down to the way he was feeling.’
His uncle continued: ‘John had so much to look forward to in life. We cannot think why he would take his own life. Despite his dad dying whilst driving to see his football match, being bullied at school, struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, his slipping school grades, me (his dad’s brother) having an affair with his mum, the twelve thousand pounds he owed Wonga or that unpleasantness with the neighbour, he would only cry for an hour a day maximum. I blame One Direction entirely’.

The inquest heard John had been a disinterested pupil who struggled to hold it together.
Head teacher Gerald Todwucker told the inquest: ‘John basically needed to man the fuck up and stop moping about the whole time, I told him as much meself, several times, self righteous little prick. And he stopped returning my sexts. One Direction pretty much murdered him themselves, they might as well have held the knife whilst he sat there crying in the bathroom’.
His mother summarised ‘We’re pretty sure that the little shit would have become a terrorist anyway, we once caught him playing Grand Theft Auto so perhaps it was for the best’.

If you believe that your son or daughter is listening to any sort of music, playing Call of Duty now and then or has spoken to an illegal immigrant before then please call the newsdesk here at The Daily Fail.

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7 thoughts on “Killing culture

  1. Thanks guys. I really hesitated and asked a few friends before I posted this. I was in two minds. I wanted it to be clear that the target of the satire is British tabloid journalism and not tragic deaths. I hope that it has found the right mark and not upset people.

  2. This just in. ONE DIRECTION assassinated in a drive-by shooting by a Fox News employee with a Bushmaster. The Mercedes crashed into Wrong Way sign and then a Mack truck, which spilled 8000 chickens onto the tarmac. Only the chickens survived. Rush Limbaugh was playing inside both vehicles at the time…

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