How to be: A real Magic playa

Have you ever wandered past your local hobbyist/gaming store and seen two bearded behemoths, grunting and slogging it out over the great cityscape of Ravnica and thought “damn, they cool”. Sweat dripping from their chins as they violently throw a Cancel across the table, they are proud gangsters of gaming. But what if you actually were a gangster of gaming rather than an odorous cellar dweller? Well now you can join the elite with this great guide.

Shout “BOOM” whenever you do anything. Killing a creature? Playing a creature? Untapping a land? Rolling a dice? Moving counters? Make every phase of your game a noisy and flamboyant experience. Other players add two to their mana pool, you add BOOM to your mana pool and bring da pain of a thousand rains. Or something equally redundant and extroverted. Use phrases like that one for extra effect, but not that one, I might trademark it.

Interrupt everything with “yo momma”. Interrupting an opponent by playing an unrelated instant or activating an ability can throw them off. Doing it twice by playing Think Twice and activating it’s flashback can irritate and confuse them, simply shouting “yo momma” every few seconds or in response to any other state based action will yield respect by the bucketload. What’s more playa than implying that you copulated with your opponent’s mother? Nothing. Fact.

Dress gangster. Look at these other nerds, dressed all normal. Dat be cray. Hip it up, wear parachute pants, tanktops and extravagant faux gold jewelry. Keep at least one hand down aforementioned pants at all times. This is essential. You need to give the impression that you are holding your genitals or possibly masturbating, that just defines relaxed. At the very least it will make your opponent uncomfortable or distracted. Use this hand to shake your opponent’s after you inevitably win. Actually don’t shake, what are you, square? Bones it. But use your dick hand, preferably a little sweaty.

Use early 90’s gangster slang, picked up from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Public Enemy videos. This is the epitome of contemporary cool.

Flirt. This will either weaken their defences or make them uneasy. More often than not you’ll be sat across from a hairy, overweight, sweaty bloke whose last third party genital contact was when the doctor pronounced “its a boy”. Leaning across the table and whispering “I’m going to slip your wurm into my O-ring” will really throw them a curveball.

Flash the Benjamins. Flaunt your wealth son, drop that five pound note like a bomb at any opportunity. Use pound coins as counters, use a fiddy as an elf token. If you elected to wear a full shellsuit instead of a tanktop then let the big 5’s slip nonchalantly from your sleeves and slam down on the table. This will make it look like you’re made of money. In fact, sew some notes together and wear them as a coat. Don’t sew too well though, that’s nerdy. Nothing is more playa than wealth.

Keep a ho on da arm. Ensure that you are accompanied by a woman at all times. Any woman will do, though preferably not one who is obviously your sister/mother. This will ramp up your sex appeal and dazzle your opponents before you slay dem with yo mad skills. In fact, use your sister and make constant reference to your blood relation. This devil may care attitude will win you the hearts and minds of any spectators and surely grow your entourage.

Finally, frequently laugh in short “ahah” or “yeahha” bursts. Rappers do this all the time. So you know it’s cool.

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