A Magic The Gathering tale (all tm’s belong to WOTC)

Lautius knelt down in the grass and ran his fingers through his hair, the earth was cold, the chill resonated through his greaves. It had gotten dark quickly, unnaturally so, and he struggled to make out the markings on the map no matter how close he held it to his face. The Field Marshal replaced his helm and sighed, he had seen far too much of war, he yearned for the fields of his homeland. He was urgently stirred from his reminiscence by a sharp, booming voice on the wind screeching incantations in a foreign tongue. A flash of light followed and a blast of fire crashed to the ground half a mile down the line, briefly illuminating his battle map.
“Status report, i need a goddamn status report” he shrieked.
Through the darkness he heard footsteps approaching rapidly, Lautius rose to his feet and brushed down his cape, now was not the time for informality. A red faced soldier came panting into view, followed by a terrified looking recruit. Both men fell in and smartly saluted their commanding officer.
“Captain Remish, of the fourth watch, sir” bellowed the senior of the two.
“Captain, how lies the right flank?”
The Captain’s voice broke a little as he replied “Privates Coolidge and Rasmussen are both gone sir, Yeates here was injured but should carry on. Sir”
“Goddamnit, i can’t afford to lose men, goddamnit, we need every goddamn soul we can muster.”
“Calm yourself Field Marshal, there will be plenty of time for anger, when we meet our foes.” The voice was high and soft, yet cut clearly through the night air, heavy as it was with artillery and distant screams. The Baneslayer Angel strode into view, emanating a silvery glow, though there was a stern frown across her delicate face. The three men fell into file beside each other and listened with rapt attention.
“We are to make our charge now, one last full measure Field Marshal, can your men handle it?” then, before he could reply, she continued “Alas, you have no choice, Dan The Translucent…” she sighed at the absurdity of the Planeswalker’s title “…believes that we are now at endgame, it is for us to charge now with honour or to hold the line and wait for the verminous hordes to overrun us.”
“Thank you, kind seraphim, from my charts and intel on the ground i have learnt that Ian Of The Massive Squirrels has just one creature to defend with, a common red squirrel. Nath The Traitorous has three malicious looking owls. Unfortunately…” he faltered slightly “…there is insufficient intel on the remaining combatants. Wait, why are you on foot?”
“Effin Gravity Well! I mean, umm, Karli Of The Walking Woods has cast a hex on all creatures of the air. Yet it is unwise to pursue her. Dan believes that her recent charge on James, Smirking One was unsuccessful and as retaliation a dozen fifty foot high elves have begun striding towards her copse of trees. It is better we steer clear of that one. Likewise, your hunger for vengeance against Sam The Flamekin will have to be forgotten, rumour has it that he is engaged in a fierce battle of sorcery with Punty Of Dark Waters. It is best we allow the mages to settle their own squabbles. We have been assigned to charge Nath.”
“With respect, o purest one, surely it is wiser to face the squirrel, those owls do look awfully nasty” Captain Remish spluttered, his eyes firmly on his own feet, shifting nervously.
“Fool, do you not recall Derrick? My sister died fighting a squirrel, it grew to tower over trees and…and tore her wings off before carrying her off to it’s drey. Ian has tricks up his sleeves. The Field Marshal, yo…”
The angel was cut short and nearly bowled over as a knight sat atop a colossal winged lion lumbered past them and headed east.
“…u and the Private will come with me, we are to await the signal and then head for Nath. Vinny the Vengeful Archon…” she nodded in the direction of their acquaintance “will head for Ian and his pesky squirrel. Dan believes that even after a Giant Growth Vinny should be enough for the meddling rodent. Here, take these. I confer upon you True Conviction”
She passed each of the men a pair of glowing, ornate gold swords. A bright star shot through the sky, bursting like a firework high above a boggy area to their west. The sign. The angel strode forward, purposefully, deliberately, the men jogged behind in her wake. Lautius couldn’t remember feeling more alive, so horrifically frightened, yet more awake than he had ever been. Every pore of his body seemed to pulse with adrenaline, this was it, he could see the owls, he would meet his maker soon, see his wife again and the child they lost..
“FOG” came a booming voice.
“Oh for fucks sake Ian, i was gonna do Nath in.”
“Nope, i’m only on ten life, i’m not letting that bloody Archon through”
“Goddamnit!”
“Umm, as an instant before my turn guys…13 damage to all creatures”
“SAM! GODAMN YOU!”

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